Aha...

I think I have my answer. Everyone thinks I'm okay because they assume I was too young to remember...

How do I tell them I remember?

How do I tell them I can relive the very moment I was engulfed by saltwater and felt the grains scrape against my skin?

Do you know what it was like to have no control over where your body goes? Oh wait, be careful. You might hit your head on the cave walls and crack your skull. Oh wait, I did.

Does anyone know what it was like to finally reach light, only to turn around and watch your mother start foaming at the mouth, eyes rolling to the back of her head?

I'm angry. But also frustrated because I don't know what I want to come of this. I could complain. I could speak. But what then?

I still have a long way to go in this life. It might take a while, but I hope to find solace one day, in the fact that someone does understand me.

Right. Closure :)

A Reunion (hey!)

Yo! Long time no see.

I have no excuse, even if I did, is it necessary? You guys aren't exactly the most loyal readers ya' know XD

(here's my "jk" in case anyone's offended 👍)

Well, it's been years since I've spilled my whispers to an audience. I'm pretty much an adult now, minus the financially independent part. And I still am as clueless as I've ever been.

I don't know who I'm talking to. I don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid of pain.

I wish there was a method to my madness but the longer it takes for me to find my purpose, the more I'm beginning to doubt I have any reason.

Losing control is frightening.

If I lose my crown, can I get it back?

~"Everyone has their own definition of success. Respect that."~

:) I've never liked reading manuals anyway. F*ck it. I'm a fluffy ragdoll XD

Wiser? Sure. Than me? Depends.

     I'm a rude person. Sometimes I do it accidentally and most times I do it because I actually mean to show that "I can't tolerate your mere presence." When it's like the latter, it just doesn't make sense to me why anyone would think of me as a spiteful brat with no manners. Oh hey there, here's the thing-I don't just dislike him, I seriously can't stand the sight of him. So why on Lord's earth am I supposed to smile and be kind to someone's who is racist as sh*t, make ignorant comments and theories then proceed to parade them as the ultimate truth? Like why? Is it morally wrong of me to ignore someone who I hate? Is it illegal for me to not answer that person's questions?
          People older than me think that because that they're older, it makes them all the more justified in their opinions.
          You might be wiser. You might be more knowledgeable (in some things anyway). But you are definitely clueless about what I went through and the basic laws of humanity. Simply put, honey, it's like I got burnt on the left side of my body and you just threw an arm around my shoulders singing lullabies to soothe me although all I need at that moment is a f*cking doctor and a bucket of ice water. It's true that I need it and you know I need it but soothing comes after I'm treated and left with a scar.
          It's rude when you say I'm wrong to hate someone because you stick to what you know all 'cause it's bigger and it's on your side.
          Honey, I'm 18...not stupid. Short-tempered maybe, but not so stupid that I can't decide on my own who I like and don't like so, make your case like an actual respectful adult and shut your trap. It's enough, don't you think?

Mid-Autumn Party

A friend from class invited all the chinese to a mid-autumn party~also known as a Harvest Moon Festival gathering, at his house. I was invited as well, or at least I hope I was.

But unfortunately, barely 5 minutes after receiving his verbal invitation...

I went absolutely silent and said that I wouldn't be able to make it.

I'm a little upset, I guess.

Nicole's going. Everyone's going too. And it really is quite near my house.

However I knew that he might as well not let me know about it.

There's no way my aunt would let me. And I was right. Right in the car I asked her and before I even finished what I had to say, she had that look on her face that meant much more than the word "No."

It's fine that I'm practically feeling like an only child.

 I just want to hang out with my friends and have fun with them without having to think about how much I owe the ones who now provide food and shelter over my head.

 My friends are not criminals. They're top students from the first class.

We all are. Can't I be trusted?

 Because last I checked, I'm quite sure that I'm not stupid nor desperate you know.

/Sigh/

Whatever. She doesn't even know about how my friends call me the "prisoner" because I'm never allowed out of the house other than for school.

Cheers.

Studying for my PATs

It's already been a month after I decided that I should probably start studying for my PATs.

What triggered my vow that day were my unsatisfactory results from my PPTs. 

And! The solemn fact that I have to apply for an important scholarship using my PAT results.

Unfortunately, as some of you might have already figured out, I am heading...nowhere. Period.

I always make a U-Turn towards my ipad rather than the study table. 

It's driving me insane!

I know I HAVE to study. But I'm barely doing my homework, much less any studying.

It is the pressure? I heard it does things like that to a person.

But I don't think I feel pressured.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty tough and all that.

Like seriously. 

I know right? It's just crazy how idiotic I'm being.

God. I remember that during Form 1, I was studying a couple of weeks before the exams.

Form 2, a week before.

Form 3, days before.

And now Form 4!! (=_=)

....a day before my exams. More of "the night before" actually.

I mean, I only started studying Physics AFTER my paper 1. That's why that paper was only so-so.

I know I could have done better than "No.1" for that subject if I had started BEFORE.

It hurts to remember. The regret!!!

My BFF said to me a few days ago that while I study at night, she studies in the afternoon.

(I asked her what she usually does after school. That's what caused her to say the above.)

(I take noon naps, mind you.)

In my mind, I was like, uhhhh.

You know why? 'Cause I don't!

I don't even touch more than one homework a night. How do you expect me to actually study?

And I started going for 2 cram classes a couple of months ago.

Chemistry (I have to. The chemistry teacher in school is hopeless) and Additional Mathematics.

The latter because it's a subject that requires doing lots of exercises and as you can guess as well,

I'm not doing 'em. Heheh.

/Shrug/

But I think I'm getting bored for these cram classes already.

It's really annoying to give up my precious sleep, you know. Although I do sleep quite late in the morning. About 3 or 4 a.m.. Even during weekdays.

What?

I'm just don't feel like sleeping 'early'. And partly because of my ipad.

Wait, what is this post about again?

Oh right. So, all I have to do is start studying like pronto!

You only need like 2 things to ace exams after all.

Time and unwavering focus.

Whahahahaha!!!

I have time....but I'm lacking the other one.

/Sob/

Creepy Crushes: Current

I always seem to attract the weird ones.
Like the ones that end up stalking me on Facebook and WeChat and all that bummer.
Sigh. I'm not complaining. I'm not!
 I just...I mean of course I'm lucky that I actually have guys who have these crushes on me because of God-knows-what. 

It fuels my attention-seeking self so even if I know for a fact that I'll end up hating the sight of 'them' sooner than I can say "Oh for God's sake!", I really really can't help but feel a hot flush across my cheeks when they come out about it. Seriously, it feels like all my blood suddenly rushes up to my face or something 

and I'm trying to catch my breath. And my friends aren't much help. 

They make jokes about it almost immediately
and one of my seniors even said that my cheeks reminded her of Char Siew Pau. Not cool. 

But anyway, the current guy is probably the creepiest one so far.

 He kept on sending me friend requests on FB and WeChat so I blocked him and pressed that big red DELETE button on my mobile contacts. 

Remind me why I gave him my number in the first place?

There are other things but I have to finish up my homework now. 

Physics...who needs Physics homework?!

Blank

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going to split in half.

I understand what people are saying but I don't get them. You know?

It's like I'm looking into their eyes and I hear every single word but nothing registers naturally in my brain. I blame this on procrastination.

Don't ask me why. I just do

Facebook Account Deleted

I did it. I actually deleted my Facebook account!

It was only a thought at first but then I realized something earlier today and just said, "Oh what the heck. I've deleted worse."

Cheers! I still have to pass the 14 days trial though for my account to be permanently erased.

I'll survive it.

God. The alarm just went off. Is it a burglar or something?

(Btw, it's 2:07 am here in Penang, Malaysia.)

Why isn't my uncle going down to check? Hello burglar alert?!

...Guys, I think I better tuck in for the night now before I get caught by my aunt or uncle for staying up late when I have Chemistry tuition tomorrow morning.

Argh. Tuition. They're useful but terribly annoying.